Is the Father of your Child NOT visiting him/her?

It has been 14 years since our daughter was born. I remember the day I found out I was pregnant. I had been told, not but 2 months prior, that I had a 5% chance of conceiving so you could imagine my surprise. Sadly, my then boyfriend was not happy at all. In fact he tried to run me off the street while I was driving because he was so angry at ME?

The Father and I did not make it. There were many reasons, Abuse, Alcohol issues, drug issues, and he cheated on me. I finally left him when I was 6 months pregnant. After I had our baby I moved 2,000 miles away to remove myself from his venom. During this time I did try to stay in contact with him about our daughter. I also sent him pictures and had a picture of him on the refrigerator and told her that this was her Daddy. He showed NO interest outside of one time when I flew back for the paternity test that he requested.

As a couple of years went by I thought it would be safe to move back. I was mentally prepared to handle him, so I thought. At this point he had gotten another girl pregnant and was a Father to his son. I did let him see our daughter but it would be halted every couple of months because of something to do with behavior or drinking and even drugs one time. I could not let him do this to our daughter.

I went on to marry when she was 4 and had my other daughter and son. My 14 yo daughter’s Father has simply been a joke for 14 years. My daughter does not understand WHY he does not see her. WHY he cares for her Brother more then her (he is not with that Mother anymore either…cheated again). Her Birthday was last week and of course, no call, no card, NOTHING!

This poor girl has been put through the ringer with him. He has chosen alcohol over her. He is in complete Denial. He has no clue what he has missed out on and he cannot get those years back. She did see him in October and he got in a car accident. The first thing he asked for after the car accident was GUM (to hide the alcohol). He did not ask her how she was! My daughter woke up that day and saw him for what he really was…an alcoholic.

Sadly, his family will not intervene nor will his current girlfriend because she enables him. My daughter is now angry and wants to see him punished for is behavior. He has never received a DUI (Luck), and courts do not punish parents for neglect or abandonment. I tell my daughter that he will have to deal with God in the end like the rest of us. His punishment now is not seeing her…he punishes her and himself.

My daughter is a beautiful girl with a lot going for her. She is athletic and has a big heart. It is so sad that he will continue to miss out. It has been his choice through the years and he has made is own bed. The sad thing is that my daughter has paid for his issues. He is a manipulator, a liar, and abuses alcohol, drugs, and people. Because of this, we have had some very hard years with her.

Advice for all parents that have gone through a similar situation:

• Be there for your child no matter what! You are all they have!
• Do not over compensate for the lack of a parent. Be the best parent you can be!
• Do not try so hard with the other Parent. We think we are doing our child a favor if we try to make the other parent see them or be something they are not. It does not work. Let it go!
• Log everything! I went to court many times. Make sure to log calls, visits etc.
• If you believe that the other parent is under the influence CALL THE POLICE! You need record of this in order to save your child.
• Do not speak with the other parent if they are abusing the conversation. Tell them to get a lawyer!
• Go with your gut! You are the parent that has raised this child! Never second guess yourself!
• You may find yourself in contempt of court, but if your child is around alcohol, drugs, and abuse, do not let them go there! Until, this parent gets help…it will not change.
• Ask the court to have this parent assessed for Alcohol and other drugs. It is easier when your children get older because it is no longer hear say. It is hard when you know the truth but the kids are young and cannot be a witness.
• Reach out to others who understand.
• Most importantly, tell your child that this other parent does not DEFINE who they are as a person.

Life is what it is! Our job is to protect our children from all dangers even if that includes the other parent. We do not have to answer to them if they have chosen this path. We must help our children understand that it is not their fault and that they will be ok.

Rebecca Lomis-Stephan